Mission Impossible I: I'm back!

Listening to Fix You by Coldplay

Whew! I just got back from a month long trip to a secret destination on double-super-secret business (because, as you might know, we "undercover" girls are a real boon for the government nowadays...) and since I already had the GwnnMobile outfitted with the latest in stealthy, anti-spy technology, I guess I was a natural fit for the Feds...

Well, lots of interesting things happened during my "Tour O' Danger," I'm calling it. But let's see if I can actually remember some of those things (as you might guess, too many "shaken not stirred" vodka martinis don't exactly allow the cerebral recall mechanisms to work very well...):

- Item: El Mexicado; River City approx. 9/11: Met up with covert operative, "009" Erin, who greeted me with a plain manilla envelope with a picture of the person to be trailed inside (well, it so happened it turned out to be the picture to the right of Erin, but indulge me here...). I had a feeling the barkeep, known only as "The Bartender" to me, was slipping me Mickeys (well, Michelob Ultras, actually) in an attempt to loosen me up so I might reveal some double-super-secret information (I distinctly remember her asking me where we planned on going that night. Hmm...). Another covert operative, "Photogecko" Jon (remember, I'm protecting the names of the not-so-innocent here :), a photographer known for his exquisite and beautifully humane treatments of models being interrogated, steps in through the squeaky, one-way door of the establishment. After passing "The Hostess," "Photogecko" bellied up to the bar next to "009" and discussed the "interrogation" of Erin that happened earlier that week. Eventually, "Photogecko" attempted to sway me to the same sort of "interrogation" to which we decided we would do at some point in the future (what can I say, I might be able to take "interrogation" well... ;)

We then lit out in the GwnnMobile to 6th Street to see "Blue Eyes" Dianna and "HotGirl" Rachelle, both of who were minding the downstairs bar at the Pearl Safety Pin. On the plus side, I now think I've earned the confidence of the strongman Otto "The Accent" so I don't have to show my covert credentials (driver's license) to gain entry into the establishment.

- Item: Chokey's; River City approx. 9/10: I met up with "Maria Conchita" Ramona at her lavish uptown estate. Once past the remote control cameras and killer pit bulls, I swooshed by the robotic doortroll and gained entry to the media room. "Maria Conchita" was still getting ready so I decided to change outfits (I was originally wearing a black fringe mini, black mesh top and killer 3" stilettos) into something more in line with the locals (black mesh top, flared jeans and killer 3" stilettos). "Maria Conchita" came out with a zebra-striped "zoot" jacket and black pants. We rode the golf cart across the perfectly manicured greens and hopped in the GwnnMobile for some covert survelliance of downtown nightlife.

Our first stop, a dive called Drive Shaft, took a bit of convincing to get the doortroll to lower the cover, which he did after looking at our official credentials. Inside, the smoke-filled and musty air lent a element of danger to the men surrounding the bar in the shadows. "Maria Conchita" and I were the only girls there and we stuck out like a black cat on a snowdrift (remind me to speak to Central Control about their intelligence. It seems their intelligence gathering capabilities are about as good as the CIA's on WMDs. I'll have to speak to PenneyMoney about that when I turn in the GwnnMobile for the next round of spy upgrades...).

We got a tip that there was something about to go down at Chokey's so we ran (well, walked as fast as I could on 3" stilettos :) to the GwnnMobile and hit the afterburner to get across town. Once there, it seemed that "The Illuminatous" figured out we were there and started pumping "Maria Conchita" full of vodka and Cokes and it seemed I was slipped a few Mickeys as well. We pulled in a location that afforded a high view of the dance floor and watched "The Illuminatous" minions dance in a hellish relish of revelry. While there, a minion told me something I'd never heard before. He said that "I was the most convincing and natural girl he had ever met and he knew everyone." That statement puzzled me as I still see myself as a gawky, lanky, uncoordinated git but I guess the training is starting to help.

We closed the bar out without any major events (other than it seemed that "The Illuminatous" slipped a chemical into "Maria Conchita's" drinks that facilitated a loss of motor skills on the way back to the GwnnMobile). I drove "Maria Conchita" back to her estate and walked her past her pit bulls (she seemed to have forgot the pass phrase "SQUEAMISH OSSIFRAGE" that puts the killer pit bulls to sleep immediately. Score one for PennyMoney at Headquarters for that nugget of info!)

- Item: The Pearl Safety Pin; River City approx. 9/29: "009" and I decided to split up for the night to monitor "The Illuminatous" minions at 2 different establishments. I was directed by Headquarters to head north to 'Bout What? while "009" headed south to the drunk, fratboy infested 6th street. No sooner had I shown up at 'Bout What?, "009" came in and said plans had changed. We ran into the other Austin operatives Amanda "The Look", Angela "The Angel", Rikki "The Buff" and "Beautiful" Beth. This was quite the cadre of secret undercover operatives all gathered in one place. Thankfully, "The Illuminatous" didn't know about our secret hideout and wasn't present to do something harmful (as one well placed giant fan would have just ruined our hair and makeup!)

"009" convinced me that it would be better if we both went to 6th street to monitor the goings-on so we left in separate government-issued vehicles (I in the GwnnMobile; "009" in the ErinMobileII).

We hit the Pearl Safety Pin at the height of "The Illuminatous" revelry. Hundreds of drunk fratboys and sorority girls lined the street. "The Accent" let us in through the side entrance (that's where the important people go in... ;) and I made my way in to see if "Blue Eyes" was tending to the sorrows of "The Illuminatous" distraught. I already knew that "HotGirl" was out of town so I wouldn't be able to see her. I went up the stairs in the back and peered through the transparent aluminum wall to locate "Blue Eyes." Tonight, crossdressed in feminine menswear and topped with a Red Fedora, she was at the downstairs bar throwing drinks like a professional card dealer in Vegas throwing a game of 21. I turned back to see if "009" was behind me and when I looked forward again, "Blue Eyes" had disappeared. Must be out on a smoke break.

Back to the front and my senses caught the flash of red going by my face and the sweet, perfumy mix of Obsession and Frangelico which meant that "Blue Eyes" just passed by. With a slight whisper in my voice, I called out to her across the din of live music.

"Blue Eyes!", I said. "You're looking amazing as usual." Which is always the truth.

She came down the 3 stairs to my level and we shared a friendly embrace. "Gwnn, so nice to see you. I'll be right back. Have some business to tend to upstairs..."

I'll be honest. Out of all the people I've met so far, "Blue Eyes" seems to be the most... hmm... real? person I've met. She seems to be just right there for you and as I've said before, has a charisma that makes you feel like you are the center of the universe for those few fleeting moments you speak with her. There's that air of mystery mixed with utter approachability wrapped in a beautiful innocence that I've met so rarely in the past. She's an intoxicating individual and even if it's only for a few seconds, it always seems to make my night... Oops... Sorry, didn't mean to move so tangentially...

Geez, I just looked at how long this post is. I'll leave it unfinished for now...